The Flight – Uzbekistan Airways
Did you know that Uzbekistan’s national carrier travels internationally? Or for those of you unfamiliar with or where the country is even located, did you know one even existed? Hell I didn’t until we had the misfortune to be forced to travel on it.
Check-in
So let me set the scene. We arrive at Heathrow Terminal 2 and confronted with raging pheromones from most of the male population i.e. deodorant was an optional extra or maybe against their religion or maybe their sense of smell was removed at a very young age. The queue snakes its way from the check-in counter to the door of the terminal and it doesn’t seem to be moving. We see signs advising there is only 1 bag permitted to be checked in and that bag must be no more than 20 kg. Ok, so it seems straight forward, so why aren’t we moving. Ahhh, I’m glad you asked., because the deodorant starved people trying to check-in have mistakenly read the sign to mean please all crowd around the check in counter with your overweight bags and put on a vacant look on your face when told the bag’s too heavy.
There was about 8 people in this troupe/family who essentially spread their bags, children and family members from the counter to the ever growing line of people trying to check-in. Pandemonium reigns. The overweight bags were rejected and they were told to repack…the bags returned and the weight was reduced by 2 kgs only! So now we have the troupe climbing over each other and the bags to head to the counter where they have to pay an excess fee. Our check-in was much more straight forward and boring in comparison.
At the boarding gates the situation is probably as you would expect. Stupid people in a rush to board the plane before their seat numbers were called. We obviously being the smarter ones and in no real hurry to board didn’t get caught up in the frenzied push at the gate.
On Board
Most airlines would like you to stow your tray tables during take off and landing plus put your seat back to the upright position. This is more of a suggestion or an idea for Uzbekistan Airways. We saw numerous people doing both. I seem to recall something about mobile phones on planes too…what was it again?. Now I remember. It’s ‘please be stupid and leave your phone on during the flight and if you really want to prove you’re a social leper, play your music as loud as you can from your phone’. Well that’s my recollection….more accurately that was the actions of the passengers and the flight non-attendants looked at me incredulously when I asked if they could ask the mutant to turn it off.
The aircraft didn’t have individual TV seats but the main one at the front of the cabin. Normally this is switched on when at cruising altitude but on Uzbekistan Airways that seams like a waste of flight time so why not start the movie during take off? They did.
Ordinarily as soon as the entertainment starts all blinds are lowered so the passengers can watch the movie. Again at Uzbekistan Airways this is for the novice airlines and in the real world it’s not required. It took me 4 requests to get them lowered and in the end the flight non-attendant got only 1 side of the plane to lower them, the sunny side. The first requests were met with a bewildered look as if to say ‘why would you want them lowered? Can’t you see the shadows dancing across the screen?’
Annoying Guy (AG)
There’s always one…well today there was a lot more but I’ll focus on annoying guy sitting in front of me. When we checked in we asked if we were sitting together. Yes was the response. We were skeptical and thought the woman behind the mono brow at the check-in might be lying…she was lying or maybe her idea of sitting together meant on the same plane. To be fair we were next to each other as we each had aisle seats! As we were about to sit down Chris said ‘well hopefully the person sitting next to the window might be willing to swap’…this was met with an instant reply directly behind us that we could. Sue was kind enough to sit in the center row and let me sit next to Chris. This turned out to be something, as Sue still reminds, that I’m indebted to her. The guy in front was an expert in fidgeting, stupidity and very hungry.
The temperature on the plane was stifling, well at least for those of accustomed to cool air or even ‘moving’ air. AG was sitting there with long sleeves, jacket and long pants then realised it might be a bit warm but instead of taking off his jacket he found some paper and started fanning himself. As you can imagine this only made him hotter. I can see a light bulb above his head as he realises the jacket might be best off. Now with the jacket off he’s presented with another dilemma….where to put it. There’s the overhead locker, your lap or the coat holder on the seat in front. But enough of my silly ideas and onto AG. What some of you might not be aware of is that if you lower the tray table, neatly fold your coat then place it on the tray table you might, with a lot of effort and possibly breaking the tray latch, be able to store your coat between the tray and seat. He had the guy in front of thinking an earthquake had hit the plane as his seat shook.
But wait there’s more. On Uzbekistan Airways they don’t want you to go hungry and possibly save time for the flight non-attendants, so they serve both the dinner and the snack/breakfast at the same time. For Uzbekistan Airways virgins such as myself, this didn’t register and I just thought they liked serving large meals. The food tray was large and didn’t leave too much room on the tray tables for much else. Barely enough room for anything else but the food trays. I had never tried Uzbek beer before so thought the flight would be a good place to get used to the taste. Let me say that it does take some getting used to and if you’re smart you wouldn’t bother getting used to the taste. AG savoured a beer over his meal and when done couldn’t see how he could make room on his tray table so was at a loss on how to dispose of the beer can. He took his brain out of neutral and came up with a great idea. Simply put it under the seat….and not the one in front of him where his feet are but rather under his seat and next to the feet of the person behind, in this case Sue.
Almost There
Captain Kangaroo bounces our plane to the end of the runway before subtly pulling a 90 degree turn towards the terminal. As we approach the end of this memorable flight we pass numerous old planes, most of which have been gutted or rusted (many are large quad props and I wonder if they may be last years’ models). Finally we get off the plane in Uzbekistan and we think it should be smooth sailing. Great in theory but Uzbek practice is contrary. We are the ONLY people in the airport and our plane is the ONLY plane to have landed and there’s a substantial airport workforce however I fear the workforce trained in two countries. The baggage handlers obviously went to the school of Heathrow Can I Take My Time With Your Luggage University whilst the rest went to the Indian school of Please Fill In This Paper Form So I Can Stamp It And Feel Official College. Mix in legacy Soviet structure of the staff and airport and we are in Tashkent, Uzbekistan.
It took at 20 minutes or more for the bags to come out (remember we are the ONLY plane) and they were on the wrong carousel. Did I mention there were only 2?! We laugh and muse ourselves with collective thoughts of Heathrow Airport. After filling in the custom form on the plane we expect to have only to show this and get out of the airport. Crazy thoughts. We stand in line for our bags to be scanned and customs forms to be checked by a Stalin wannabe with a languid disposition. There’s a sign at the line behind which you are required to wait that reads something like “it may take up to 45 minutes to process”. Hey at least they tell you they’re inefficient 🙂 It’s almost our turn to attempt getting a smile from Stalin and we overhear two customs forms are required. So we fill in a copy, that we find out later, must be kept with you at all times and you can not leave the country without it. At last we get processed, Stalin is still stoney faced and no smile.
Finally we burst through the doors into the sunshine and our tour begins. Don’t get me wrong, it was a memorable experience and we did laugh at the time and now….but had to share 🙂